


I can't be (what you wanted me to be)

by Captain_of_the_sass



Series: Tumblr oneshots [5]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt Clint Barton, So much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-17
Updated: 2015-10-17
Packaged: 2018-04-26 17:47:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5014144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Captain_of_the_sass/pseuds/Captain_of_the_sass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He’ll smile. She knows he will because he always does. </p><p>AKA the one where everyone's favorite duo are getting a little too close and Natasha panics.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I can't be (what you wanted me to be)

**Author's Note:**

> based of the tumblr prompt "Song: Say Something and Ship: Clintasha"  
> This is set sometime fairly recently after Natasha joined SHIELD  
> let me know if you spot any errors  
> and feel free to find me on tumblr, the URL is tonybuckys

It’s a wonder, at first, the way they fit together. The pieces of a puzzle. Rhyming words of a poem that tumbles on and on, not quite a love story and not quite anything else. And it’s never been easy, but it’s never been quite this hard before either.

It’s her fault. Well, no, that’s not quite right. Clint says that it’s _no one’s_ fault, but she feels like he should blame her. She _wants_ him to blame her, _needs_ him to because God, it would be so much easier than having to see his smiling face. And he’ll smile. She knows he will because he _always_ does. It’s one of the things she hates about him.

It’s one of the things she loves about him.

She waits until it’s dark to visit. Late at night, or maybe early in the morning. She’s not sure which, but she can’t bring herself to care as she drops from the vent, landing with barely the tap of her feet to announce her arrival.

“You’re awake.” She says into the darkness. She’s not sure how she knows. She can hardly see and his breath is carefully even, but she can tell.

“Hey, Tasha.” Clint whispers, and the fondness in his voice _hurts_ but she’s faced much worse, so she stands tall and takes a measured step closer, maintaining a calculated distance between them.

“Clint.”

It’s one word. Just his name and he _smiles_ at her when she says it and she’s torn between wanting to hold him and wanting to smack the expression right off his face. She settles for neither and instead circles slowly around, leaning against the wall at the foot of the hospital bed.

“Guess you were wrong about me.” She said simply, closing her eyes. It felt as though she were waiting for a swift execution.

“What are you talking about?” Clint muttered, sitting up with a wince.

Natasha curled in closer to the wall, wishing she could sink into it. Wishing it could rise from the dark and swallow her up.

“You were wrong. I wasn’t ready. I’m not…good.”

“Not ready? Tash, you could kill a guy with your _eyeball_ , I think you’re more than qualified to work for SHIELD.”

"It’s not about killing people,” She hissed, “It’s about _saving_ them. I…can’t do that. You were wrong.”

"Is this about…y’know?” Clint’s eyes flickered to his battered skin, littered with as many bruises as there were stars in the sky, before he met her gaze again.

She almost feels like crying, but if she’s learned anything it’s that no one comes to save you when you cry. So she nods almost imperceptibly, stealing comfort from the gentle beeps that announce every beat of Clint’s heart.

“I heard it.” She says eventually, eyeing the cast on his arm, “I heard you screaming through the coms.” Clint’s eyes widen at that and he looks away, frowning, and she hates herself for missing his smile.

“Sorry.” He whispers, and she laughs bitterly.

“You’re sorry? I heard you _screaming_ and I did _nothing._ I froze up. I’ve never done that before, and then the one time someone actually _needs_ me I just…stood there.”

"What do you want me to say, Natasha? That I hate you? That I want you to leave? Well, I can’t say either of those things because I _don’t_. Have you ever…lost anyone before?”

Natasha rolled her eyes.

"I’ve lost plenty of people.”

“I mean people you liked. People you _loved_.”

"It’s not wise to get attached to something that’s easily broken.”

It was too late, though, and it infuriated her to know that she had survived so much only to have her heart stop in her chest the moment she thought this one man had ceased to exist. She was weak. She was selfish. Someone was getting too close and everything in her was screaming for her to get away.

“I’m not the person you want me to be.” Natasha said simply. She stalked forward and dropped a gentle kiss on his forehead before making for the door, too tired to attempt the vents again.

“Tasha? Nat, where are you going?” Clint was calling her but she tuned him out, jaw clenched. There was a clatter as Clint staggered from the bed, blanket and wires and all, stumbling after her a step before crumpling to the floor.

Natasha didn’t look back.


End file.
